There is a tough issue going on in our world, and I could use any thoughts, advice, experience or guidance.
I have a dear old friend who is going through a horrible ordeal, and I'm not sure how to deal with it. She and her husband started trying to conceive not too long after J & I. After two IVFs, PGD, and who knows what else, they were lucky enough to conceive twins.
I found out recently that, due to a condition the parents didn't specify, one of the twins is not going to survive after birth. It will continue to grow in utero, though. They are approximately four months along.
I am devastated for them, and for this horrible trauma, surrounded by the joy of a much-wanted child, they will all have to endure. I cannot stop thinking about how parents deal with a pregnancy that will inevitably have such a sad outcome, while maintaining the excitement about bringing home a healthy child. How do they deal with well-wishers who have no idea? How do they deal with the daily conversations about the pregnancy? How can they create positive memories and have a meaningful experience surrounding the conception and birth, and death, of these children?
I could go on and on, I think about this constantly, and have a hard time speaking about it. I think how it could've been me, and how can someone bear such pain? More to my immediate point, though, is how I can be supportive.
I want to help her celebrate this pregnancy and these children, but I don't know how. I haven't spoken with her since this news, just a very brief email, but I want to be prepared when I do. Someone asked me recently about wanting to get her a gift for the baby, and I gently reminded them that there will be two babies. She will give birth to two babies. And only bring one home.
God, I can't even write this without crying ... I'm so sad for her...
Any thoughts or experiences? I don't want to avoid her out of my own discomfort, and she needs as much love as possible.
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6 comments:
I would be very up front to her about your heart and desire to help her. After dealing with a m/c (nothing like what she is going through) I hated people who just tiptoed around me. Invite her to lunch. Call and check on her. Send her a card. It also depends on how close you guys are. But truly asking what you can do for her would be amazing. She might say nothing but the fact you didn't try to pretend this wasn't happening will touch her heart. At least it would mind.
My friend made me a little scrapbook with the memories. I keep it close by. You could also give her a candle in honor of the little one. But truly just being there in a real sense for her would be the best. It will be hard for you but she needs real friends right now. She will be torn between grieving what should have been and trying to celebrate what will be.
HUGS to you! I pray you find wisdom to know just what to do.
Oh, I ache for your friend. You are so kind to be so sensitive to her needs and to be so aware of the need to honor both babies. What a great friend you are.
At one of my recent twin mom meetings, a woman was in a similar situation--a friend had given birth to a stillborn baby and a healthy, happy twin. In their case, it was unexpected, but no matter. The point is that the woman at the meeting wanted to know what to do for her friend to acknowledge the baby that died. People had great suggestions. Two that stuck with me:
1. Have a star named in memory of the little one. You can do this online (www.starregistry.com). I did this for John; I chose a star in the constellation of his astrological sign.
3. Give your friend a necklace or bracelet with a star charm (or some other charm) bearing the baby's name and/or birthdate.
As for the immediate, I second what sunny said. Don't be a stranger. Don't be afraid to ask what you can do, or ask how comfortable she is talking about both babies, and honor her wishes. Acknowledge what is happening and tell her you love her.
You are such a good friend. Good luck.
Ah, I feel for your friend. What a tragic thing, and what a heartbreak for anyone to have to give birth to a dead baby.
You may want to check out Catherine at everythingisundercontrol.blogspot.com
She has endured the above not once, but twice, and has built a wonderful support group.
I like Sunny and Snick's ideas too.
I walked alongside a dear friend whose baby was diagnosed in utero with Trisomy 18--a genetic disorder that allowed her little boy to grow and survive ... but only as long as he was firmly planted in his momma. ((sigh)) It was an awful, horrible journey marked with many beautiful moments, believe it or not. Whatever you do, just be available for your friend, and allow her the freedom to talk if she feels like talking and cry if she feels like crying. And after the birth, well ... do something to remember this little life that will leave them, just as you will celebrate the one that stays.
My dear friend just went through a similar thing. One twin was born perfectly healthy, while the other died in her womb a few weeks before the birth. Because the babies were in separate placentas, they chose to carry both babies to term, which meant that they were dealing with a joyful event and a heartbreaking event just moments apart.
What they did was pretty amazing. First, they asked all of us who had supported them through the pregnancy to contribute a piece of fabric. My friend pieced a small quilt (a wall hanging really) together with the fabric, and she embroidered various comforting words that she had been given during those weeks. Some of the words were Bible verses, some poetry, and some just words from people. That way, she has something not only to remind her family of the baby daughter who died, but also to remind her of the journey of that whole pregnancy.
The second thing they did was to have a memorial service for the baby who died, one week prior to the dedication/christening for the baby who survived. The memorial service was the most meaningful event I've ever attended. My friend's husband read a poem, and my friend read a letter to her baby detailing the journey of the pregnancy and how much she loved her though she never got to meet her. This couple asked their closest friends to read some poetry and some Bible verses. I think we sang some songs or something after that, and then somebody prayed. After that, they sprinkled their baby girl's ashes in the river, and then we just sat together. There were plenty of tears, but it was a tender and precious time too. It seemed like such a paradox to go to the baby dedication the following week, where the whole atmosphere was like a party. But somehow, they needed us there - to cry with them, and to laugh and be joyful with them.
As for me, aside from doing the things mentioned above for my friend, I just spent a lot of time listening, taking a few meals over to share, and offering a shoulder when she needed one. It wasn't easy, for sometimes the silence seemed so thick, but that was what she needed.
Anyway, I'm reading this a month after your post, and can't even remember how I found your blog in the first place. But I felt it was important to comment, simply because the situations are so similar. I hope you don't mind, and that something I said helps in some small way.
Sara
Hi
I realize you posted this a while ago, but I would just offer my support for you and your friend. I gave birth to my beautiful baby boy on August 6th and he went to heaven on August 10th. We knew from I was 20 weeks pregnant that he would have problems, so we dealt with grieving and hoping for almost 20 weeks before he was born.
If you want to contact me feel free to do so.
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