After years of infertility and IVF, we've finally seen light from the other side. I knew it could happen, but certainly didn't think it would be us ... our new life with twins. Gulp.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Back on the Wagon?

This is an incredibly odd feeling.

After I stopped breastfeeding, I went back on the Pill. Chances are, due to J’s somewhat incapacitated sperm, I will never get pregnant on my own. But after hearing too many stories from IVF/twin mothers whose doctors told them, and I quote, “Your ovaries will never function properly on their own” and the like, and then they got pregnant when their twins were like three months old, I was determined that I would not become one of those stories.

And I haven’t been sure if I even want more children. J does, for much more complex reasons than mine, and I respect those reasons wholeheartedly. But I have been thinking more and more lately, and I feel confident that I could do this again, and that I want to do this again (the baby, not the IVF, etc). But they probably go hand in hand.

I refilled my prescription right before we took off for vacation, and through the chaos of packing, it didn’t make it into my bags. Subconscious or accident, you ask? Either way, I felt kind of free, and didn’t make too big a deal of it, either way.

Yesterday afternoon, I was reorganizing some of my bathroom cabinets, throwing out the eighteen jillion sample-size bottles of perfume I’ve managed to accumulate over the years. Oh yes, and organizing all my products by use (face lotion, body lotion, hair products, bath products, etc). I am slightly anal when I have the time and inclination.

I came to the bottom of the cabinet, and realized I was at the shelf. The very important shelf that, at the front, contains tampons and liners. The shelf that, at the back, contains a sharps container full of used needles, a fertility monitor and boxes of sticks, and an extra Follist*m kit.

I felt like the breath had been knocked out of me. It’s only been a year and a half since I used all that stuff daily, but you know the adage out of sight, out of mind. And while it’s never really out of mind, infertility has not consumed my daily thoughts as it once used to.

I sat down on the toilet, and pulled out the sharps container. I took out a needle on top, one of the long, thick PIO injections, and twirled it in my fingers. Am I ready to do this again? Can I stand the disappointment and hoping? I’m not as afraid of the physical pain from injections and retrieval as I was the first go around. I feel like labor and emergency c-section have shored me up on the pain-front. But I am afraid of the emotional pain, and how it might be different than it was before. And knowing that we’d have to start over from the very beginning, since we had no extra embryos, is a bit intimidating to me.

I poked around through the Follist*m kit, and marveled at the miniature (in comparison) needles used for those injections. That’s the easy part, I thought. Then I pulled out the fertility monitor, and tried to remember how to use it. Which is where I find myself now, on the Clearb*ue website, downloading instructions.

I’m not a big believer in “signs” and such, but this morning over breakfast, J asked if I’d had any thoughts about “more rug rats,” as he so delicately put it. We haven’t talked about this in months, and I thought it odd that he brought it up now. Well, now that you ask...

So as of now, we’re trying but not trying. I’m ready to give it a go a la natural, but need a bit of time to work up my courage to all of the IVF stuff.

I’m feeling a little ambivalent about it all, and that makes me feel really guilty. I know that this is the right time for our family to do this, and I know that it could take a long time, or may never happen. I don’t want to get too excited, but I’m afraid to not be exited enough.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

I can totally relate with the feelings of disbelief when stumbling upon IVF paraphanalia - I know I am not ready for another IVF - I actually get hives just passing the exit on the beltway of my RE. We aren't actively doing anything to "stop" pregnancy but I have little faith in my body and a miracle pregnancy! Like Suz, I hope that you join the ranks of the urban legends!

Snickollet said...

How exciting. My fingers are crossed for you, and it sounds like you have the right attitude about it all. I think ambivalence is totally normal and to be expected. It sounds to me like you're ready for whatever comes your way.

Kirsten said...

I can't remember if I've posted on here before so sorry if some of this is repetitive!
I am 16 weeks (tomorrow) pregnant with twins, thanks to IVF. I was reading through your prior entries because I'm soaking in as much as possible from mommies of twins. I read back to a few of your entries when the twins were first born and the entry where you wrote about preferring to have one baby at a time. So, I'm brave enough now to admit that I felt the same way. I wanted to devote my love and attention to just one and then maybe have another when the first was 3-4 years old. Well, we put in 2 embryos with our first IVF and were blessed that both "stuck". It's scary but I am so thankful to have them both for so many reasons and I know can do it.
Reading your blog reiterated though that the first few months will be HARD. But I can't tell you how much hope it gave me to see that you are now ready to consider taking the plunge again!! Life does go on after twins!!! And you want more!!! I'm still on the fence about more and won't know for sure until they get here. I have 5 frozen embies so I hate the thought of not giving any of them a chance. But two might be enough.
Anyway, I am rambling. Just wanted to tell you I was so glad to have read your journey and see that it was okay for me to have the feelings I have. I thank God every day that I have two babies inside of me and I know I will never imagine how I lived without them when they finally get here.
:)

Sunny said...

WOW! Back in the saddle again! I will cheer you on and push you through it all!

GLouise said...

Well, I am very excited for you!

Anonymous said...

I'm hoping for you... good luck in the process again if you decide to go that route...