A Beautiful Place

I bet most of us have a place, whether real or imagined, we go when dealing with the tough times of infertility and loss. A place where you do your hard thinking, your praying, your crying, your begging, your deal making. Maybe it's a window seat in your house. Maybe it's the office, with the door closed. On a long walk, alone with your thoughts.

I did, and do, a lot of mine in church. When we're supposed to be saying the confession, when the lectors are reading the prayers of the people, right after taking communion. These are the times I would take to ask "why?" "why me?" and "why not me?"

Equally as much time was spent angushing in the bookstore. I was lead there for information, for the latest and greatest book on pregnancy, infertility, IVF, that didn't already grace my overflowing bookshelves. I'd stand there and stare at the stacks of books, zoned off into my own world, trying to figure it all out. Ditto for the baby store. I'd go and wander the aisles aimlessly, subjecting myself to the intentional hurt of just being there.

This sounds like a beautiful place, a place I might have gone. A place I might have spent time alone with my thoughts. A place for the hopeful and the hopeless, equally.

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Wednesday and yesterday were just bad days, period. Frustration with a baby that doesn't want to nurse, a husband who seems no problem with just "popping in a bottle," and an overwhelming sense of being trapped in a life I didn't quite expect.

While it was completly honest and true, I hope that my last post wasn't full of ungratefulness and whining. It's just the way it is ... I hate that I have these feelings, but they are mine, and they are real.

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Today, on the other hand, has been a great day. Nursing is a little bit better. I'm looking forward to a doctor's appointment/lactation consultation on Monday and getting some instruction and advice. We've taken walks for the past two days, which has been great, I actually ate breakfast today, and my oldest and dearest friend came to see the babies for the first time today. She was a visitor who brought with her no pressure and expectations, butt did bring two very cute baby outfits, lots of happy thoughts and news, and the ability to let me take a 30 minute catnap.

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Another happy thought: My babies are so gaseous that they fart themselves awake. And it scares them. They awake with a start, like "What just happened?" And I find it hilarious. Unfortunately, they probably find it terrifying. Hee hee hee.