I hadn't heard it coined as such before, but I was just reading yet another book about twins, and the author referred to the IVF guilt that she felt. And in actuality, that is exactly what a lot of it boils down to.
Sleep deprived, frustrated with breastfeeding gone awry, and sadly surprised at the lack of time left for myself, I sometimes feel angry at my babies. I'm angry, perhaps, just at the situation. I'm angry that I am so wholey consumed by their eating, breathing and pooping for 23 hours a day. I shouldn't be surprised, everyone with twins said how completly overwhelming it is. But I thought mine would be different, that I would handle them better.
And I stop to think, who am I to complain? I asked for this. More than that, I toiled, I paid (with both my heart and my checkbook), I asked, I begged, I prayed, I hired intervention, I subverted nature, to have these children. Who the hell am I to complain that this is hard? Poor me. But I still complain, both aloud and in my head. Over and over. And I'm waiting for the good times.
Who the hell am I to complain? Who the hell am I to complain? I have to repeat this over and over in my head and remind myself. I am so lucky.
I am still hung up on such anger over so many issues, and I don't even know that I can get over them. Past them, hopefully.
I continually obsess about all the things that have gone wrong (not my way), when I need to affect the "poor me" act, either to my husband, family, or to myself.
I didn't get to conceive my children the way I wanted. No romatic night, no accidental Oops. But lucky me, I did get pregnant on the first IVF.
I didn't get to enjoy my pregnancy the way I wanted. I loved being pregnant, and I resent the hell out of the fact that I missed out on nine weeks of it, and that the last month was spent in and out of the hospital at on my back. But didn't I enjoy the time I was pregnant? Didn't I embrace it as best I could?
I didn't get to give birth how I wanted. I knew a vaginal birth was a longshot, but the sudden shock of the very quick labor and birth surprised me. It's just been recently that I've been dealing with the emotional aftershocks of the c-section. I really, really wanted that experience, something to "bond" me with the world of "motherhood," a shared experience. Just as I regret having a few too many glasses of champagne at my wedding and having some splotchy memories, I regret agreeing to take the narcotic shots to "take the edge off." My memory of the labor and birth are fuzzy. But on the flip side, I did get to labor through to 10 cm...I did get part of the experience.
I didn't get the "baby-coming-home" experience I hoped for, complete with cute outfits, smiling faces, and my mother waiting at home to pamper me and bring the babies to me in bed for feedings and cuddlings. I got five weeks straight of daily sojurns to the NICU, chatting with nurses instead of friends and family, hours logged in the hospital's lactation room. I got an uncomfortable chair between my two babies isolettes, where I crocheted caps and wrote thank you letters. I got to hold syringes full of formula above their heads as it dripped through their noses into their underdeveloped bellies. I got hands through isolette holes, only allowed to cup their heads and bottoms. I got very occasional visits from family, because I didn't want to leave my babies' sides and didn't want to share them with anyone. But lucky me, they did come home. They are healthy. Their paid their dues, just as I paid mine.
So who the hell am I to complain? I still feel like I deserve that right to complain, but I feel like shit about it. I need to get over, get past, get moving.
I am so lucky. I am so fortunate. I have two babies depending on me for everything that sustains them. Everything.
Who would have thought?
5 comments:
Oh, I think you absolutely get to complain--difficult conception, diffficult pregnancy, premature babies, twins!--all added to the normal difficulty of the first few weeks of new motherhood-no wonder you're overwhelmed. I think that we may have the tendency to think that pregnancy after IF "normalizes" us, and it's disheartening to recognize that even after getting pregnant, it was so much more difficult than a "normal" woman's pregnancy.
No matter how much you prayed for it, these first few months are really hard, and you shouldn't feel guilty for not loving every second of it. I hope it gets a bit easier soon, and you're finally able to have those golden moments you imagined for so long.
You definitely have the right to vent your frustrations - they're your feelings and they're valid. Don't discount them.
I am sure there are days where you just don't see the light at the end of the eating/sleeping/pooping/exhausting tunnel. But there will be wonderful days ahead. Hopefully so many that these frustrating ones will seem like a distant memory.
I'll say some prayers for you. Good luck!
Just found your site and it is wonderful. Congratulations on your twins. I have boy-girl twins (3 1/2 years old).
I'll start by saying that things get much, much easier as they get older and can do more for themselves. But those early months are so very hard.
I completely connected with the way you were/are feeling when you wrote this post. I was angry (sometimes still) at all of the things that I "missed out on" by having a c-section. I never even felt a single contraction. I developed toxemia and everything was fast from there.
But I understand what you say about having to miss out on the vaginal delivery, bringing your babies home and then when they are finally home, how hard it is to be everything for them.
If we had not suffered from IF, this wouldn't even be an issue. No one would question how hard it is to care for a baby, much less two! I have a friend with a new baby who complains all the time and it's "okay". But if I complain about it being hard or unfair that I didn't deliver or conceive them naturally, etc, I feel guilty because I "asked for this".
It's a strange phenomenon, this whole infertility thing.
sorry to rant.
Hi it was very interesting to read how you felt about the ivf you recieved. i am at Newport University doing a photography project and its on the family and i wanted to look into ivf and i just happened to come across your blog. i was wondering whether i could ask you some questions via email and perhaps if you would be willing to send me a photograph of your family. it would be so much help if you could, my email is rebecca.clayden@students.newport.ac.uk i am finding it hard to find people to help me so i would really appreciate anything that you can say
Hi,
I'm a journalist who has gone through IVF and am writing a book about the unexpected and hidden emotions that result from the experience.
the book will include my story, as well as those from others who have gone through the experience.
It will also aim to dispel many of the myths and misconceptions associated with IVF.
One of the chapters is going to be about the guilt felt during and after IVF.
I would love to include your story as you have shared it here.
Please contact me at ivfbook@gmail.com if you would like to contribute.
You have written this beautifully.
Post a Comment