I think that a decision I've been having a hard time making is being made for me.
I knew from the beginning of my parenting career that I wanted to breastfeed. Add twins and an extended NICU stay to that equasion, and things get more complicated. I never had any intentions of making it to a year, but thought I'd do it as long as I could. Which ended up being a shorter time - until the babies were about three months old - but, honestly, I began hating everything about it, including the children attached to my boobs.
I enjoyed the one-on-one closeness of nursing an individual baby, but doing so simply overwhelmed me to the point of chaos. I miss it a little bit, looking down at my child, knowing that he or she is surviving off of what she is taking from me, bit by bit. That I could give that to them is huge.
I was adept at pumping, having done it, eight to ten times a day since the very first day of life. And I had friends who'd exclusively pumped, no breastfeeding. So I made the switch. And it didn't bother me as much as I thought it would, and afforded me a bit - a very tiny bit - more freedom. But what you gain in freedom, you give in time. Not only must you spend the time feeding the milk to the babies, you must additionally take the time to pump it, which adds up to hours and hours a day.
It's been a month since I started pumping full time. I've tried herbs, medications, and other ways to increase a milk supply that has never been enough to keep up with the needs of two growing babies. Four months old, four months old ... that has been my mantra. If I can make it to four months old, I'll have done my duty, I'll have done well for my children.
For the first day in ages, I woke up this morning, and didn't NEED to pump. I wasn't engorged, I wasn't in pain. I didn't have to wake up before the babies first feed to pump. It was wonderful. And three hours later, I pumped, but not because my body needed to. Again, I find myself at a scheduled pump time, and I'm trying, but not a whole lot is coming out.
We're at three months and three weeks.
I don't know that I'll make it to four months. There is a little bit in the freezer, and I could probably continue to squeeze out a little more, but do I want to?
I know how much back and forth there is about breastfeeding, and I don't want to get into a discussion about the merits of breastfeeding vs. formula, but let me reiterate that this is a very hard decision to make. I feel the need to take care of my babies in the best way possible, but one way to do that is by being a saner, happier person myself. I think I've reached the end.
4 comments:
You do what you have to do to stay sane. You go with your gut. Remember YOU AREN'T A FAILURE!!!
HUGS!
No advice here. You have done so great- don't feel guilty, whatever you decide to do.
Stumbled across your blog via pumpmom, and just had to tell you that you are doing a wonderful job. I struggled with supply for two months, including weekly visits to the LC, fenugreek, lots and lots of pumping, and even Reglan, and I just could never get my supply up to where it needed to be, so we switched to formula at 6 months. I was devestated and felt totally defective.
HOWEVER, my life was also SO much less stressful, as all the anxiety over breastfeeding was gone, and I was able to simply sit down and feed my baby and really, truly ENJOY him, as opposed to constantly stressing over how well he was or was not eating.
As my midwife told me yesterday, guilt is such an unproductive emotion. No guilt. You do the best you can do for your babies, and that's exactly what you've done, so you should be really, really proud of yourself.
Thank you guys ... I already feel less stress in my daily life, and have begun to enjoy it a little bit more. Can't wait to take that rental pump back and say NOMORE!!
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