I can't believe I'm doing it, but Wednesday, I'm going to see a therapist. Psychiatrist. Counselor. I'm not sure of the exact designation, but Wednesday at 2, I will be in her chair. And I'm scared.
The past three or four weeks have been a blur for me. I'm so completely exhausted, subsisting on 3-4 hours of sleep per night and virtually none during the day. I'm not enjoying my babies the way I should be. I feed them, and wish they would just go to sleep. I'm jealous of other people's babies, who coo, reach out, laugh, and return the affection that their mothers give. I'm jealous of the mothers who have it so in control. Who laugh through their exhaustion. I'm jealous of the mothers with one baby.
I'm resentful of my husband, who helps so extraordinarily, and doesn't seem to be affected either way by the exhaustion.
I'm still caught up in the angst about infertility, IVF, bedrest, premature labor, NICU, etc.
I'm unable to ask for help, since I did quit my job after all. Since I did want these babies so badly.
So Wednesday, I'll hash it out and see how that goes.
6 comments:
I'm so glad you're reaching out for help, Laura. It sounds like it's exactly the right thing to do!
I hear you on all counts Laura - I am feeling the exact same way. I am in Centreville....maybe we can chat at some point. If anything I would love to hear what your therapist has to say - I'm sure I could benefit from some time on the couch too - that's if I could stay awake for it!
I think mothers of multiples must all feel this way at the beginning. In fact I've been jealous of you because it didn't sound like you did! I'm planning to call my therapist for almost all those reasons, too. And I didn't even have NICU time. And I *have* help.
No matter what else comes of your session, I hope you'll cut yourself a little slack. You too, Caroline.
Suz, yo're so right. It's hard to get *nothing* back from them ... a giggle,a smile, nothing. They are just now starting to engage, and it's wonderful ... when it happens. I hate to sound like I'm complaining - I should be so lucky to have these two wonderful "problems," but I think that it's so different having two babies versus one. Good, but different.
Hi Laura- I am glad that you are reaching out for help! I imagine it is hard to make that first appointment.
I really can't imagine being the mom to newborn twins. You are doing a magnificent job!
Let us know how the appointment goes!
Laura, I read your blog periodically, and just want you to know that I am also glad you are reaching for help. I am proud of you. None of this is easy. This is a very important first step. It will get better for you.
Will check in to see how things are going...
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