Another Beginning

It’s final. We’re starting IVF as soon as the first box of meds arrives from the mail-order pharmacy. We had our consult with the doctor and with the clinic’s money-lady yesterday, and I came home with a jam-packed folder of instructions, do’s and don’ts, releases, contracts and more.

The nurse did blood draws on both J & me for HIV and Hepatitis. Apparently that’s required by law … is it so you have permission to procreate, or is it so the medical personnel can protect themselves? The next step is a ten-day regimen of antibiotics for both of us. I hadn’t heard that from anyone else who did IVF, but I guess it makes sense to clean out everyone’s system before doping us {and by “us,” I certainly mean “me” in no uncertain terms, but I’m trying to be inclusive here} up with all of the drugs that remain.

I’m not particularly scared of the drugs, as we’ve done a number of injections already. I’m not overly freaked out by the upcoming procedures, although I’m certainly rooting for being totally unconscious during the retrieval. {Not that I think I can’t handle the pain, but it’s all the other stuff that freaks me out … the noises, the sensations, etc. The only other surgical procedure I’ve had is removal of wisdom teeth, and I insisted that I be totally out. Come to think of it, I did spend the following day hugging the toilet. Hmm…maybe anesthesia's not my best bet.} I’m not overwhelmingly nervous about the outcome. I can expect disappointment, as we have in the past, and deal with it. It may not be pretty, but I can deal with it.

So why am I so freaked out in general? When I break it down into specifics, I should be feeling hunky-dorey about it all. But I’m just a ball of nerves. I think it must be the severity, the seriousness of it all. I guess I see it as the end of the road, the last resort, the last rest stop before a drive across the desert. And that is scary.

J and I talked {okay, I cried and warbled, while he talked like an adult} about how many times we want to do this, and what our plan for the “next step” is {i.e. donor genetic material, adoption, international, etc}. Needless to say, our two thoughts were different. We both parted ways in the early afternoon, and got back together in the evening, when he admitted that he saw the benefit to “my way” and why it was so important to me. Ultimately agreeing with me.

The way we think through things is so different, it’s amazing. I’ve been contemplating this next step in our lives for the past year or so. So I’ve got some long-standing opinions and thoughts on the matter. J reacts from his initial instinct and gut reaction. Which isn’t necessarily the wrong way, just a different way, and perhaps more truthful. But when I go back to my gut, and he takes some time to think through an issue, we often arrive at the same place. For now at least.