How to Stick Yourself in the Ass With Finesse & Grace

There are so very many ways to do this, and I read up on the techniques of many experienced women. This is the Laura Technique. Feel free to copy, imitate, and share with your closest friends.

• Remove the progesterone from the fridge, and lay out with other supplies (needles, alcohol pad, sharps container) in the location where you'll administer the shot. I like the bathroom with a counter and mirror.
• Place middle finger on your hipbone, and stretch your thumb back to encircle your hip. This is the spot. Circle it with a pen if you like. I like pink marker.
• Grab your favorite bag of frozen vegetables (I seem to favor sliced carrots), and secure them in the waistband of your pants, with the pressure on the injection site.
• While your bum is on the cooling cycle (allow 10-15 minutes for this), load up your progesterone, switch out to a new needle, and set the whole apparatus in the room where you"ll be injecting.
• Walk away. From a purly psychological standpoint, I find that staring at the offending needle just impedes my progress and brings my nerves to a dizzying high.
• Spend a few minutes straightening up, feeding the cats, or working on a distracting task. Take care that the circle spot is getting plenty frozen. It may be uncomfortable, but is sooo worth it in the end.
• Return to The Room, and run the syringe under hot water for a few moments.
• Pull down your pants, and swab with alcohol. Turn so that appropriate butt cheek is facing the mirror. Twist backwards.
• Using your left thumb, stretch down the skin just south of the the circle
• With the needle in your right hand (assuming you're a righty like me), take a deep breath, and quickly plunge it into your skin. Aim for the bullseye.
• Exhale. You're almost finished.
• Depress plunger. It goes much slower than your other injections.
• Once the juice is all all out, just leave it in for a second. Pull straight out. Press tissue on spot to absorb any blood.
• CONGRATS

In addition to achieving the functional goal of delivering life-nourishing nutrients to the potential child within, administering this shot to yourself does have additional benefits. For micro-managing control freaks like me, it preserves my sense of independence and power in a totally out-of-my-hands situation, and is a real ego boost.

When confronted by a Smug Fertile, chatting on and on about her "Ooops" pregnancy, you can remind yourself that while she would flee with terror at the mere prospect of sticking a huge needle straight into her tucas, you did it just fine, and with a smile on your face, and the expertise of a surgeon.