Apologies to the blogger who wrote so well about this idea, and went into it in such detail … I can’t remember where I read it. But I’ve been thinking more and more about it, and how I’ve abandoned so many things I enjoy doing, in order to obsess about IF.
It’s become the focus, the center of my life. The things I once enjoyed doing are chores. I’ve been volunteering with a group for probably five years, and this year, I have no desire to participate. I believe in the organization, love the work, enjoy the people, but pffft…I’m done. Like a deflated balloon. Couldn’t care less. Work has lost its appeal. I used to be thrilled to be an entrepreneur, in charge of my future. Right now, I think I’d prefer a desk job where I can clock in and clock out with no expectations and no real responsibilities.
Life at home is in a rut. J & I are clearly sick of certain habits of the other (he with my IF obsession, me with all his cheerfulness and optimism). I’ve always been more of a homebody than J, but I can be a social butterfly when the mood hits me. These days, you wouldn’t recognize me … hiding in the bathtub with a pregnancy magazine or a long novel. Heck, there are so many friends and family that I don’t talk/correspond with on a regular basis anymore, that it scares me. I just don’t want to answer the questions.
Over at The Unachievable Double Lines, she makes such a good point about how IF is all you can think about … that it is always top of mind, highest priority. It is life. And how much does that suck?
I always think that when I am pregnant, when we have a child, life will be back to normal. I will re-emerge from my cocoon; wings spread wide, and set the world on fire. But then, I’ll be a pregnant lady with a whole new set of obsessions and concerns. And being a parent, that’s when you metamorphasize into a person I can’t even imagine.
So how to enjoy life as the person I once was, with the same enthusiasm. I’m taking small steps. Going to learn how to play tennis (unless, of course, I do get pregnant and/or continue with IVF and have exercise restrictions). I’ve picked a date to arrange a dinner party with friends. Thinking about joining up with a non-profit that I volunteered for in the past.
It’s tough to think about “life on the other side,” whether that means fertility treatments, or if it means life as a parent. But I know it’s worth the effort, and I’ve just got to take baby steps.
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