Just the Facts, Ma'am

Sometimes it's hard to cut through all the detail and fact and get to the real issues. Facts are more comforting. They can give you an affirmative or a negative right away. They can be logged on a chart, that can measure a level, they can predict your next move.

But emotions can't. They hint at how you feel. They hint at elation, or fill you with despair. They make you question each decision, each choice.

Dealing in facts is so much easier. So I'm going to get through the facts and then move on to the emotions. Maybe later.

The appointment was good. My ovaries and uterus were nice and small, which is how Dr. Pleasant likes them. The blood draw hurt a bit, but apparently I'm a quick bleeder, so that's a positive!

My instructions are to cut the Lupron back to .05 beginning tonight. On Friday, I'll start the Follistim, at 225, which is double the dosage from the last IUI. I think about how sore and full I felt during that last IUI, and imagine it'll be much more sensitive this time.

I'll go in for ultrasound and bloodwork on Tuesday morning, to see how they're doing. Having been a voracious reader of many wonderful blogs out there, and an occasional visitor on some IVF sites, I was expecting more frequent monitoring. Perhaps when I go in on Tuesday, I'll be coming back Thursday, etc?

The remainder of my meds should be delivered to work tomorrow. Which brings me to my next fact/fear. That dreaded progesterone in oil shot. Dr. Pleasant likes to discuss just one thing at a time, and hasn't brought that subject up with me, but I know aaaalllll about it. And I saw the box checked on my pharmacy order form. I've heard such horror stories, and I'm so nervous about it. However, the box for Valium was checked too, so that makes me pretty happy.

Dr. Pleasant calls me "Mrs. Smith" (well, not Mrs. Smith, but you get the idea). My first reflex is to look around for my mother in law. I know it's respectful, professional, and an appropriate thing to do. But I still feel like, you've seen all my bits, can't you just call me by my first name? Not that I call him by his, but I don't really call him anything. It's pretty clear when I'm taking to him. He's a very even-keeled man. I've never seen any emotion on his part, very "just the facts" and smiles here and there. Actually, there was a bit of empathy in his voice after my last failed IUI. I'd called the office to report the appearance of my period, and totally broke down with the nurse. I guess she shared my precarious state with Dr. Pleasant, because he had a little bit of "oh, dear" in his voice. But that's it. Otherwise, all seems rosey for my Dr. Pleasant.

Conversations on other blogs recently have revolved around the dreaded waiting room, where noone makes eye contact, noone speaks. My practice is v. small, waiting times are pretty short, and I rarely encounter more than one or two people on a visit. I had the second appointment of the day, so the room was empty when I arrived. Another woman came in soon after, but wouldn't look up. So, as I exited the offices into the waiting room {with my goodie bag of assorted prenatal vitamin samples - what a treat!} I made a big smile at the couple sitting on the couch. Shot down! Oh well, what do we expect?

I feel good knowing the facts. We're planning for early October retrieval - we'll see how that goes.

Inside I'm hurting. I don't want to get into it now since I have to actually go out and be with other people tonight, but gosh, it's getting to be a scary place inside my heart.