Why I'm Not Cheating on My Husband

We had yet another blowout last night about how "I just want to go out and get pregnant with some other guy's sperm," according to J.

This all started on our last visit with Dr. M. We were discussing the intricacies of IVF, and I asked a question about ICSI, which I knew we would probably have to do. I asked if we would do ICSI on some of the eggs, and and then see if the sperm could fertilize other eggs in the "regular" fashion. This is all assuming there are enough eggs to do these super-fun science experiments.

I asked, because J. has a genetic disease that, I think, plays into his low counts, but of course there is no evidence to support it. It's a disease that's been passed down through his family, mostly the men, and a number of them have had fertility issues. So I just want to know if the sperm can regularly fertilize an egg. Just for my own personal knowledge. Cause I'm a curious kind of girl.

Anyway, my inquiries were shot down by Dr. M, but he did {very casually, if I do say so myself} throw out the option of donor sperm. Which I had, of course, thought about, but I think that it's the first time J. even heard the term or thought about how it would apply to his life. I told Dr. M that we want to exhaust all measures to have our own genetic child, but thanks for the tip.

A few days later, I brought up the idea with J. I told him it certainly wasn't what I wanted to do, but that if we got to the point where IVF with my eggs and his sperm wasn't working, perhaps we might want to consider what our options would be. I simply asked him to keep it in the back of his mind, and think about how he would feel about it.

In his mind, it all comes down to the blame game. He feels like I blame him for our problems. He told me last night that he's had nightmares about me having an affair so that I can get pregnant, etc. etc. It breaks my heart.

I don't blame him. I do feel disappointment, but about the situation in general. I don't wish I'd married someone else, or that J. is any different than he is right now. I am , however, fairly resentful of the entire situation, and I told him so.

I'm resentful that the burden of these problems falls all on me. That I'm the one with the zillion doctor's visits. That I'm the one injecting myself day in and day out. I'm the one with strange men down in my crotch all the time. That I'm the one dealing with crazy hormones and emotions. That I am the one reminded, every time I get my period, of what we lost. And on and on. But I do know that life's just not fair. And I try to remind myself of this.

I reminded him that I also said earlier that if the problem were with my eggs, I would consider donor eggs. I spent a long time trying to explain to him that #1, having a child that is at least partially genetically ours {whether it's mine or his} is very important to me, and that #2, the experience of pregnancy and childbirth is also very important to me, and I don't want to give up on that dream when other options exist.

I often put ideas out there, so that J. has had time to think about them, instead of having to make rash decisions. He assumes that because I put an idea out there, that I'm full-steam-ahead set on that as a life decision. If I say, "Hey sweetie, I think that red rug is really pretty," it is interepreted by his sweet {and slightly hairy ears} as "We have to buy that rug right now, no matter the cost or inconvenience or even if we have a spot for it!"

We both know that we're going to exhaust our IVF options, if it comes to that. Within reason, we both know that we're comfortable with adoption. But J. wants a full game plan right now, and I can't make one. Who knows how I may feel after one failed IVF? Or four? But I sure do like to know about my options...