Screw the Facts. Emotions Rule the Roost

Do you know Hope? She is a close, dear friend of mine, and she's one of those women who just won't go away. She pops in at the most inopportune times, like in the middle of a business meeting, or while singing a hymn at church. She chirps, "Yoo hoo! You didn't forget about me, did you?? Lookie here!"

She is my biggest problem these days. I think if I didn't know Hope, I would be a happier person, a happier patient. If I didn't have a single iota of faith that this might work, I could settle for disappointment, and if this was a successful cycle, it would be 100% pure delight. Right now, I'm just afraid.

I'm afraid this won't work, and then what?? I have my 'backup plan,' and I know what we'll do in terms of treatment, but what will I do? How will I deal?

I'm jealous. Flat out green with envy. See the horns growing out my hair? (Yes, I know I need to get the highlights touched up, but yes, those are horns.) I'm jealous of all of the women and men picking up their kids at the elementary school near my job. I see them twice a day. I know many of them by site. I've seen them grow up ... from afar. I'm jealous of my friends. They are all wonderful mothers & fathers and deserve each and every bit of happiness, but grrrrrrrrrr! I'm jealous of my SIL and her gorgeous child, who I would wrap up in a blanket and abscond with if presented with the chance and a sure-fire alibi. And I'm mad because I think she's pregnant again.

I'm tired. I know my journey hasn't been the longest or the hardest, but it's exhausting to me. I know I'm lucky. I've had a good life. I've had a great life. This is the first thing I have wanted for this badly, and not been able to achieve under my own accord. Sure, I wanted a Cabbage Patch Kid. After years, Santa finally gave in, and Terri Lynn arrived (I know, bad bad bad name. But it was a stupid doll, wasn't it?) I wanted to get into a small, liberal arts college. I managed the grades and scores, and was happy. I knew I wanted to get married to the man I loved, and J. managed to pop the question before the idea was even fully formed in my mind.

But this, I just can't wrap myself around it. It's out of my control, and that exhausts me. The constant obsessing, thinking, planning, reading, writing about it drag me down. But in the same breath, I can't not {please excuse the double negative. It's one of my all-time top grammar peeves} do all of these above. Because then I'm not in control of it. Which I never was in the first place.

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On a more business-related note, J & I have to decide if we want to do the pay-as-we-go IVF plan, or do the clinic's offered Shared Risk plan. After running the numbers, it won't pay off until after the 2nd fresh cycle. Our prognosis is good, but who the heck really knows. This whole thing is a crapshoot, basically. So how to we decide whether to hand over the credit card to Hope and pay as we go {while accruing miles and points all the merry way} or throw Hope to the lions and stroke one big fat check that may be lining Dr. Pleasants pockets with thousands of unearned dollars? Anyone? Thoughts? Experiences? Help!!!!!!!!

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I began this blog as a way to start writing again, and to sort out my jumbled thoughts. I have numerous blank journals, pretty leather bound books in bright colors, subdued functional notebooks, for I am a paper freak. I love stationary, books, paper, all of it.

But this way just seemed more convenient, and more intune with the way I live. It's really only intended for me. None of my friends or family know about it. Or if they do, they're not telling.

Many thanks to the few of you who've made yourselves known, commenting or sending emails. I'm not really writing to an audience beyond myself, present and future, but it's reassuring to know that you are out there. Thank you.